I ran but not in the way I thought I would

Today I wanted to go running. I did not run while in the mountains of North Carolina. I was sick, my cell phone (therefore my gps) was not working up there ... and there was this thing called snow. What do you wear to run in snow?? Anyway, I didn't run while I was away and I am about 38 days or so away from my half marathon so I needed to pick a date this week and just get back in my sneakers.

So I asked my running partner/dear friend if today, Wednesday, would work for her to run after getting the kids to school. It did. Perfect. My motive was exercise and preparing for the race... but also as therapy. See, running is therapy to me. I thought it would be good therapy because I thought I would run alone and it could help me clear my mind. However, my running is always with my same friend. She is the one who encouraged me (pestered me perhaps??) to sign up for the Team in Training half marathon. She did it last year for a friend who's preschool-age son has leukemia. And because her parents, like mine, both died from cancer. And here she is training again and with me. It is therapy running with her because we share so much about our loses and our connections with our dear parents... So today was a perfect day to run...today marks the 9th anniversary of my mother's passing...

Except, everyone in the school this morning was talking about funerals and loss... not knowing today was a "special" day for me and I was trying desperately to hold it together. So the moment we left the school building to begin our run, my tears started streaming as I told my friend what today is for me. We ended up running - but then I just couldn't run anymore. I needed the therapy part of our training more than the running part. We ended up walking most of our 3 1/2 miles. I just couldn't run as much as I wanted to.

We finished our run/walk and headed back into the school. More talk of death. It was all around me. There was no escaping it. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

And so I ran. I ran out of the school office and I ran through the school parking lot until I got to my car. And I cried. I cried for today. I cried for my daughter who is so scared of losing me. I cried for my children never knowing my mother. I cried for the holiday season that is ahead of us that I find so hard to get through because it was my mother's favorite time of year. I cried for my mistakes that I make because I don't know what to do sometimes as a mom. I cried for the accomplishments I make as I realize I am doing a pretty good job at this mom thing. I just cried.

So I didn't get too much running in today. But I will be running my half marathon on January 9th at Disney World. I will be running because I am raising money to maybe keep other families from going through losing a parent (or two) or a child or a sibling or a spouse or any other loved one to cancer. I will run and I will finish. And I will probably cry when I am all done.

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How many hurdles do I need to jump to do this?

There were so many reasons (excuses) to skip my run this morning. So many personal hurdles that I had to jump over.

1. It is Rosh Hashanah. Ok so that means it is a holy day but what am I doing that wouldn't be allowed? I am driving to get to the group meeting point but everyone I know drives to temple. I am doing a mitzvah (good charitable deed) so that means I should run not skip it.

2. Seth is in the hospital (that should have been #1 and the only reason it wasn't was because the Rosh Hashanah one was what I was struggling over all week whereas the Seth-in-the-hospital thing just came up yesterday). He is ok - just being kept in for observation but it is wrong of me to go running while he is in the hospital right? Except he told me to go.

3. Kids. Normally Seth is with the kids while I am running Saturday mornings. Pretty hard today since he is not home (see #2). But Noah is home (he is 16) and he babysits sometimes when we go out at night so this should be the same thing... except the kids will be awake. I left a couple of notes for the kids because I did not know who would wake up first and I only told Jonah my morning plan (well Noah too but I meant I didn't tell Leah). So I set them up with what they needed and slowly pushed myself out the door.

4. Guilt. See #1-3. That came with the conversion.

5. Lack of sleep. Not that I sleep much anyway (about 5 1/2 hours) (per night in case you needed clarification) but I had restless sleep last night. Go figure. And that alarm went off awfully early. It was so dark. I think I checked 3 different clocks to see if I had the right time. Don't know why it seemed so early - it was the same time I get up everyday. It's just I don't usually go straight out the door to run. The Magic Coffee helped get me going though.

So why did I ignore (well more like struggle with endlessly and lose sleep over) all the other points? Because I need to do these group runs if I have any hope of doing the half-marathon in January. I ran 6 miles today. Ironically the half way point was right next to my neighborhood. And the kids called me about that time. I was tempted to run home instead of do the other 3 miles. But how would I get my car later? Too complicated and kids were ok. So I stayed with my group. Plus my friend has a cold and she was running. I needed to stick with it.

It was tough. It was dark and humid to begin with. This changed to blinding sun and scorching heat. I missed dark and humid. This group is great though - they motivate you, the hydrate you every couple of miles, they run with you, they talk to you (never thought I would talk while running 6 miles!).

I ran today the same reason why I run every time. I run for therapy (this is as close to therapy that I have gotten). I do it for my parents who left us too young. 53 and 56 is young. Too too young. I do it for little Leah - the 2 year old from my kids' preschool who was diagnosed with leukemia last year. I do it in honor of other friends' lost parents. I do it for my friend who has struggled with cancer with one parent for 3 years and is now struggling with it with the other parent. I do it for the young woman who discovered her husband had leukemia 3 weeks after their honeymoon. I do it for another friend whose high school sweetheart discovered he had leukemia in college and passed away after they got married. I do it for my brother in law's sister who lost her husband to leukemia. I do it for the 15 year old that was seemingly healthy then hurt his head playing sports only to discovere he had cancer in his body when they ran the tests in the hospital for the head injury. I do it for the man with a family - a 5 year old daughter - who was told he had 8 months to live.

I do it for all of them. Living and fighting the disease or not living because the disease won. Don't let the disease keep winning. You may have your own hurdles and own reasons why you cannot donate. But maybe you can find something to donate to this worthy cause (even $5 helps!). We can win. We will win. And I will keep running.

So many reasons why I do this

I ran 5 miles this morning. Actually 5.8. Pretty impressed with myself. Never done 5 miles before. I was pretty exhausted afterwards. And thinking about myself. Then a woman spoke afterwards about nutrition and she talked about why she supports Team in Training and runs too. She said that 3 weeks after getting married (6 years ago), right after her honeymoon, her new husband went to the doctor to get some things checked out and found out he had leukemia. His entire body was filled with cancer. A lot to deal with for anyone...but just as you are starting out your life together...

Anyway, he started some aggressive treatment and in the middle of it she found out she was pregnant. She said they were throwing up together (again such a romantic beginning to a marriage). Well thanks to a new drug, he has been cancer free for the past year and a half. They have 2 healthy daughters. She attributes her blessings to the new drug. The doctors cannot make new drugs without money. That is where you come in. Please help this cause. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone could survive cancer? I know my life would be totally different if that was the case. I lost my parents because doctors don't have all the answers yet. I will run as much as I can if I think it will help. Please support my mission. Thank you!

http://pages.teamintraining.org/sfl/wdw10/llubin

It is kind of Goofy but I will do it anyway

So I realized yesterday that I am running in Florida in August. Why hadn't I realized that before?Well I did know my address but what I didn't think about was that not everyone runs in Florida. If you don't run at 6:30 am, you are screwed. It was sticky wet even at that time. But one of the upsides running in Florida? Mostly doesn't rain in the mornings (I haven't done a rain run yet). And my race is in Florida so I will be prepared. Well except that the race is in January in Orlando and it has been known to be in the 50s at times. (I know, brrrrr.)

So many (most) of my friends and relatives think I am crazy. I think I am making some of them sick from reading about running. Such a weird concept to run when no one is chasing you or you are not trying to get away from a creepy gang of guys. Most of my running consisted of running to the car when it was raining, running to the store (ok that was just a figurative of speech because I was actually driving), running the dishwasher (hmm maybe that doesn't count), running my mouth when stupid people are in my way on the road (again, car), running after one of the kids when they were toddlers and wouldn't stop when I said stop (ok that was yesterday). So running was slightly foreign to me. Other than as a nice quick warm up at the gym before the real workout (strength training). That workout I love.

I am not a runner. I am not a runner. I am not a runner. Yet, I am about to look at my schedule for the week to see when I get to run next. I just bought headphones that won't slip off my ears when I do use my iphone (not allowed to in the official training on Saturday mornings but that is ok because I am talking most of the time to my teammates). I just bought a water pack because now I know what kind I like. I think about running a lot. Mostly before it was because I dreaded it but kept telling myself the Team in Training mantra ("it is better than chemo..."). Can't argue that one. Yesterday something happened. I realized that I kind of like it. My legs like it (well not this morning but over all it is very trimming!). I felt elevated yesterday. OMG I am a runner. Now that is Goofy.

Why I train

Today's post (I really don't like the word blog - sorry whoever came up with that but I just don't like it!) is taken from my weekly Team in Training coach's email:

I RUN

I run because I am not a scientist and cannot help by research and experiments.

I run because I am not a doctor and cannot help my administering treatments and medicines.

I run because I am not a celebrity and cannot appear on TV or posters to ask for contributions.

I run because I am not wealthy and cannot donate large sums of money for research or to help families.

I run because I know loved ones are still dying from blood cancers.

I run because I am a mother who cannot imagine what I would do if one of my children got sick.

I run because the little girl pictured above was diagnosed with Leukemia last October and I want with all my heart to make her well.

Her name is Leah. She's 2 years old. Will you run for her? Will you support me as I run for her?

Ok so now I need to comment on this. The little girl I mention above is from my kids' preschool. Her older sister (who is 6) was in my son's class when they were both 3. The mom was pregnant when the two of them were in school together. Last October she discovered her daughter Leah had leukemia. She is only 2. My daughter is named Leah and she just turned 4. Every time I see her Leah I am so thankful that my Leah is healthy and I feel so horrible that her Leah is not. Little Leah is doing better than before but she has undergone so many treatments already. She has a port in her chest so that she can get monthly treatments now. But she is a smiley little girl. Her hair is starting to grow in. I am so happy that she is a happy little girl. And I am so thankful that my own children are well. But I feel so helpless. So I run.

I hope you follow my journey and support me as I run my first half-marathon.

I run because I can.

I'm going to Disney World

When I talked to my friend Ali about Team in Training earlier this year it was with the thought that I would run the Disney half-marathon as my first half-marathon. Then as a couple more friends joined TnT we decided we would do the Miami ING together. This felt like a good idea because I would be running (and walking) my first event with friends - friends that I would train with over the next 5 months. And I wouldn't have to travel. It made sense...

Then I went to my first group training and a few things were on my mind...a few people in my pace group said that were training for the Disney event and I was so jealous and envious and wistful. And my friend Meri that I was at training with was in a totally different group (I am a run/walker right now and she is one of those run/runners that I have heard about). So I ran with new people...and it was bonding even though it was just a 30 minute training session and not even an actual event. I can't imagine the actual event.

Ok so some seeds were planted. There were a few already there. My shoulder coach (named not because he teaches me how to do lat pulldowns and such but because he is like a little virtual running coach on my shoulder) and his wife are signed up for the Disney marathon. It would sure be nice to be working towards the same goal. He is a great motivator. And I need that if I am going to go from 1 mile to 13.1 miles in 5 months time.

But my biggest seeds were planted long ago. The best family times growing up were mostly at Disney World. I know, many people have great times at Disney. That's why it is the greatest family vacation destination in the world. But my dad travelled most of the year - year after year. So my mum would plan our family times to be at Disney (we lived on Long Island most of my youth). Not only was the family together but my mother was happy and relaxed and we would have the best times. We went twice a year normally. Then we ended up moving to Orlando in the 80s and my brother and I got jobs at Disney. I would go even on my days off. (Hey, it was free!)

One day in the late 90s my parents got very ill and we didn't go to the Parks anymore. It was too much for them and who had time when so much time was spent at doctor's offices and hospitals. Then my dad passed away and I think we all realized how quickly time went by. One such person was my boyfriend (he was so much more than that really). He took me and my mum (and his young son and even my brother and sister in law and baby nephew) on a boat in the Seven Seas Lagoon in front of the Magic Kingdom one evening in May of 2000. And as the fireworks blasted in the sky and Tinkerbell "flew" through the air, he got down on one knee (it was still a good knee back then) and he changed my life. He made me one of the happiest women on earth. My mother was the other one.

Anyway...I am sure I will go on and on another time...but my point tonight is that I am going to Disney World and in so many ways I am going home.

Please follow my journey as I raise money for leukemia and go from a non-runner to someone who can do a half-marathon.

Lucy Lubin

http://pages.teamintraining.org/sfl/wdw10/llubin