I ran but not in the way I thought I would

Today I wanted to go running. I did not run while in the mountains of North Carolina. I was sick, my cell phone (therefore my gps) was not working up there ... and there was this thing called snow. What do you wear to run in snow?? Anyway, I didn't run while I was away and I am about 38 days or so away from my half marathon so I needed to pick a date this week and just get back in my sneakers.

So I asked my running partner/dear friend if today, Wednesday, would work for her to run after getting the kids to school. It did. Perfect. My motive was exercise and preparing for the race... but also as therapy. See, running is therapy to me. I thought it would be good therapy because I thought I would run alone and it could help me clear my mind. However, my running is always with my same friend. She is the one who encouraged me (pestered me perhaps??) to sign up for the Team in Training half marathon. She did it last year for a friend who's preschool-age son has leukemia. And because her parents, like mine, both died from cancer. And here she is training again and with me. It is therapy running with her because we share so much about our loses and our connections with our dear parents... So today was a perfect day to run...today marks the 9th anniversary of my mother's passing...

Except, everyone in the school this morning was talking about funerals and loss... not knowing today was a "special" day for me and I was trying desperately to hold it together. So the moment we left the school building to begin our run, my tears started streaming as I told my friend what today is for me. We ended up running - but then I just couldn't run anymore. I needed the therapy part of our training more than the running part. We ended up walking most of our 3 1/2 miles. I just couldn't run as much as I wanted to.

We finished our run/walk and headed back into the school. More talk of death. It was all around me. There was no escaping it. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

And so I ran. I ran out of the school office and I ran through the school parking lot until I got to my car. And I cried. I cried for today. I cried for my daughter who is so scared of losing me. I cried for my children never knowing my mother. I cried for the holiday season that is ahead of us that I find so hard to get through because it was my mother's favorite time of year. I cried for my mistakes that I make because I don't know what to do sometimes as a mom. I cried for the accomplishments I make as I realize I am doing a pretty good job at this mom thing. I just cried.

So I didn't get too much running in today. But I will be running my half marathon on January 9th at Disney World. I will be running because I am raising money to maybe keep other families from going through losing a parent (or two) or a child or a sibling or a spouse or any other loved one to cancer. I will run and I will finish. And I will probably cry when I am all done.